Choices

I have finally forgiven myself. Though I know I would forever have to live with the consequences. I realise now that it wasn’t something “wrong”. ‘Bajirao Mastani’ led me to forgive myself. It’s not wrong or criminal or slutty to love two people at the same time. It doesn’t mean one is demeaning the first person or is just lusting after the second. Because the reasons you fell in love with the two would be entirely different. The things about each person that charmed you are never the same.

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Samar became my best friend in a whirl wind. Suddenly we understood each other more than anyone did. I hated him initially as he was the pet of my favourite teacher. She liked him more than me or maybe I thought so. And I got jealous. I even threw his new chess set out of the window when I became the monitor and found him playing in class. We exchanged numbers when he joined the same English tuition. He was so damn opposite of me. Laid back, casual, funny and easy going but he had depth. However, he was little immature. Gosh I can’t just stop talking about him! And then one day he crossed the main road holding hands with Udipti. God I swear I have never felt more jealous than that day! I texted him how I felt. I wasn’t scared or nervous. I knew no matter what, nothing ever was going to change between us. I knew no greater joy when he texted back that he felt the same way. We were then closer than ever. He was the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. Though I realise now that he wasn’t a least bit possessive.

I always had a stupid school girl crush on Anan. He was 5 years older than me! He came into my life riding on a bicycle with a guitar on his back. He was everything I am not. He was more mature, caring, possessive, and protective. He was the guitarist of a band. He was the bad boy of my life. I being the Ms. Goody-two-shoes had never done anything out of line. He introduced me into a world that I never knew existed. Metallic rock music, clubbing, malls and stuff like that. He was sort of a problem solver for me. My crush developed over time. I liked him. Then on a dare I told him I had a crush on him. He responded that he knew.

I was happy with Samar. We had a great time doing projects, studying together. We even kissed on a get-together at Sayak’s place. We were each other’s first kiss. And I am glad. I could never have wanted it to be with anyone else. Then I went on a trip to Sikkim and our car was almost about to roll off the mountain road into the river below. The only thing that came into my mind then was- will I be able to talk to Anan again! I had been texting Anan during our stay in Sikkim. I could not talk to Samar then because of roaming and also because, some family problem of his had risen so he was keeping busy. I interpreted my thought as I must be in love with Anan to think about him in such a critical situation. We came back home and life took its usual course.

Samar was borderline flirtatious but he did it so very casually that no one took it seriously. We were on with our usual adda session during break. Avni joined later. There was no place for her to sit. Samar, being himself, asked her to sit on his lap. Avni fake sat on his lap for a few seconds and then got up to get a chair. Everyone laughed at this. It was ridiculous and hilarious. Somehow even knowing his nature I was hurt. Though I knew it was impossible for Samar to hurt me in anyway.

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Samar knew about my crush on Anan. He wasn’t bothered or even if he was, he didn’t show. He never held me back. One day while hugging Anan, he kissed me. And I kissed him back. Anan took this as a sign of new relationship. I was still with Samar then. I knew I had cheated. And I couldn’t bring myself to let go of Samar. I loved him then how could I! I was torn between the choices to choose one of the two people who made my day. Hell, made my life. I couldn’t choose. They were like two pillars and I was the roof. Without one I would be in ruins. I couldn’t study or concentrate being always busy hiding things about Anan from Samar and Samar from Anan. It drained me emotionally and mentally. My academics totally went downhill. My distance with Samar increased. He had family problems and he focussed more on studies.

I chose Anan. I left Samar when he needed me the most. His family problem had turned magnanimous. He needed an emotional support that only I could give him. Samar changed after the break-up. He became a cold hard person that gave no fucks! I could see it was just an external covering to a severely broken and wounded heart. He was still the soft teddy bear who gave the best hugs, who loved cats and batman. I think I would always be in some kind of love with Samar. I loved; love my ex-best friend. May be not amorously anymore.

I lived the life of guilt, a murderer who killed her best friend. I could never be fully happy with Anan. I missed Samar. But now all was done. Nothing could be changed. After the initial flowers and chocolate phase with Anan I realised we didn’t connect intellectually. Our frequencies didn’t match. Our upbringings were entirely different. I was tired of assuring my loyalty to him. He started desiring a kind of physical intimacy that I couldn’t give into. I was again torn between making choices this time – to live without a person I am emotionally dependent on or to give in to his desires and adjust. I dumped him eventually. I wouldn’t call it a break-up. I simply cut contacts with him as cruel as it may sound. I couldn’t face him because if I did I would melt again and give in to him.

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And here I am without the two pillars learning to stand up on own feet. I don’t think I would be emotionally dependant on anyone ever again. I have shed enough tears and have been left with a dry eye now. I am into, as Avni would call it, “whatever phase” now. She says it doesn’t suit me and I know I’m being an escapist. But honestly I would like to escape emotions for some time. I have had enough of them to last a lifetime. I cannot say I would not like to make choices for I have to make them as long as I live. But I sincerely wish no one has to face the choices I have had to face. It has cost me my heart and soul.

                                Ranita Ray

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